Change

Apparently, the term 'Sickly Thin' does not apply to everyone who is sick.  I have put on almost 10 pounds since my surgery.  Granted, I did lose a buncha weight in the couple weeks leading up to my surgery, but I have now gained more than I had lost.  And I could tooooootally feel it in my clothes.  Ugh.  Being inactive has a huge part to do with it.   But an even bigger part started with all that yummy food that everyone kept bringing me when I had gotten outta the hospital.  Chocolates, cakes, cookies and candies.  All this filipino food, deliciously coated in salt, sugar or deep fried.  I somehow went back to eating white rice instead of brown.  And now that I'm up and about, I've been dining out like craaaaayzeee.  Too many people to see and catch up with.  And having steered away from eating clean for that time has altered my desire for certain foods, so instead of having that grilled salmon on the menu I'll opt for that cheeseburger with bacon sandwiched between two grilled cheese sandwiches.  Man.  On top of that, there has been a lot of drinking.  Yes, I know that I can have fun without alcohol, but c'mon now.  I like my alcohol on my nights out with my girls!  Gotta get this all outta my system before I start chemo!  Mmmm... Moscato.


One of the things I am looking forward to the most after chemo is getting my butt back into the gym.  I miss my sessions at HLF with Mary Ann and Vernis.  I miss working up a sweat at Combat and at Pump.  I miss dancing my ass off.  The physical ability to be active is another one of those things that I will never take for granted again.  I miss it a lot, I really do.  So for now I will have to settle with walks around my neighbourhood (not to be underestimated, though... I love going for walks) and half-dancing around the apartment to Mayer Hawthorne.  And hopefully yoga will start sooner than later, as Cancer Care Manitoba co-sponsors a specialized yoga class for cancer patients undergoing treatment.  They also sponsor a pilates class for cancer patients who have completed treatment and I am sooo looking forward to that.  All for free.  Thank you, cancer.  Lol.


Oh, and another contributing factor to my weight gain?  I've been trying to get back into baking.  I'd like to think that the stuff I make is actually pretty good.  And they always say not to trust a skinny chef.  :)


So, what else has been going on with me?  Well, I think that I have Brain Fog.  No, wait.. I DO have brain fog, or Chemo Brain as it is still sometimes called.   My mind is shot, it's so frustrating.  It seriously just does not work sometimes.  I have trouble saying the things that I want to say.  My memory, especially short term, will sometimes last only seconds.  I have to make lists for everything, but I will sometimes forget to look at my list.  At times, I won't even remember the names of people I have known for years. 


With that said, I didn't think that having cancer would change me, that other than having a cluster of mutated cells in my body, I would still be me.  But I have changed.  Physically, I am different.  I have a chest that I was not born with and ugly scars that I would not have if not for the cancer.  The yo-yo effect on my weight.  The bald head that is to come.  Mentally, I have changed in many ways.  Not just with my memory, but in the way I see and look at things.  A lot of clarity.  New perspectives.  Which in turn has made me a lot more selfish.  It's like a, "Fuck you, I have cancer so I'll do what I want," kinda attitude.  At the same time, my priorities are where they should be now, which I sadly admit was not always so.  I am spending more time with the people I love and care about, my friends and family, who continue to show how much they love and care about me.  I've been so busy with family parties and get togethers with my friends.  Quality time with the special people in my life.  And I love it.  Finally, I have definitely changed emotionally.  I am so much more sensitive than I was before when it comes to certain things.  I used to wonder why some girls would cry at the thought of getting their hair cut, but what did I do last week?  I cried, with the realization that I was probably getting my hair cut for the last time before I lose it all.  Man.  And when it comes to other things, I feel like I have no emotions at all anymore.  I find it a lot easier to disconnect my feelings when it comes to dealing with bullshit from other people or coming across situations that I have no control over.  I accept it and move on.  Not gonna waste my time with wishing things were different, that time is way too precious.


Cancer has changed me, in sooo many good ways but some also in bad.  But I've accepted it.  Now time to move on.