Sunday, February 26, 2012

It's not just me

I spent the morning reading a blog that I found on the Young Survivor's site that Cheryl had posted a link to on my Facebook wall.  Her name is Angi and she was also diagnosed with breast cancer at 31.  I wanted to see what her experiences were like in terms of coping with a mastectomy, going through chemo, etc, etc.

What she also writes about in her blog is the emotional roller-coaster that she's on.  FINALLY someone I can relate to.  I have always been super sensitive, and it's been that much worse since I went for my mammogram in December, and even moreso since my diagnosis.  The stupidest things will make me feel incredibly hurt.  Other things will make me so angry that I feel like my head will pop off from my chest exploding.  This will be followed by tears of frustration, and then by even more tears of guilt.  As much as I never wanted to use cancer as an excuse for these feelings, how can I not?  A year ago, I thought I would be planning for the beaches of Jamaica.  But now with this, I had and still have serious, serious decisions to make.  Some decisions that I didn't think I would have to think about for years, or EVER for that matter, because of it.  And now I've gotta figure all these things out within a couple of months?! Lumpectomy or mastectomy?  Single mastectomy or double?  To freeze or not to freeze some eggs?  And then the little things, like how am I going to rearrange my apartment so I can live independently after my surgery?  How am I going to get to and from chemo without putting anyone out of their way?  Or the stupid things that I never should have had to worry about in the first place, like when the St. Boniface Hospital sent my letters informing me of my CT and Bone Scan appointments to my parents house.  WTF?  The last thing I need is for my mom to see a letter addressed to me from the hospital, a lovely little reminder that her that her baby has cancer.  On top of that, Victoria Hospital sent me a letter informing me of my MUGA scan appointment, which was scheduled for the same day as my CT Scan.  Is nobody keeping track of this out there for me??  Why am I left to sort this out on top of the thousands of other things I need to do, and where the hell did they get my parents address from???  So here I am, trying to get this sorted out while I am at work which is almost impossible to do, with my work hours being 8-5, and their hours being 8:30 - 4:30.  And then playing phone tag with them.  I know this sounds like such a minor thing to have been stressing about, but really... just let me vent.  Please don't judge.  To say that there were and are a million things on my mind doesn't even justify it.  And the need to justify why I'm so stressed and frustrated all the time, I'm a ticking time-bomb really, pisses me off.

So anyway, the gist of this post was to say that I'm glad I found at least one person I can relate to with the emotional roller-coaster that I'm going through.  I have friends and family who constantly remind me that it's ok and they can understand where I might be coming from, and for that I am grateful for, but it's even more comforting to read about and know of someone else who actually went though it.

No comments:

Post a Comment