I feel ugly. My hair is ugly. My skin is ugly. My body is ugly.
Everything is changing and I hate it. My hair has changed. My skin has changed. My body has changed. My face has changed.
I hate that I have no one to talk to who will understand what I'm going through.
I hate the awkwardness it creates whenever I talk about it.
I hate when people smile and try to be cheerleaders when I express the frustration I feel.
I hate going to appointments alone.
I hate trying person after person for a ride when I'm done.
I hate that I constantly have to ask for help.
I hate that it feels like more than half the people who offered help when they found out about me only did so for show.
I hate that some of my friends have disappeared off the face of the earth since I got sick.
It's the ugly side of the cancer experience. Fucking cancer.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Thursday, April 26, 2012
Change
Apparently, the term 'Sickly Thin' does not apply to everyone who is sick. I have put on almost 10 pounds since my surgery. Granted, I did lose a buncha weight in the couple weeks leading up to my surgery, but I have now gained more than I had lost. And I could tooooootally feel it in my clothes. Ugh. Being inactive has a huge part to do with it. But an even bigger part started with all that yummy food that everyone kept bringing me when I had gotten outta the hospital. Chocolates, cakes, cookies and candies. All this filipino food, deliciously coated in salt, sugar or deep fried. I somehow went back to eating white rice instead of brown. And now that I'm up and about, I've been dining out like craaaaayzeee. Too many people to see and catch up with. And having steered away from eating clean for that time has altered my desire for certain foods, so instead of having that grilled salmon on the menu I'll opt for that cheeseburger with bacon sandwiched between two grilled cheese sandwiches. Man. On top of that, there has been a lot of drinking. Yes, I know that I can have fun without alcohol, but c'mon now. I like my alcohol on my nights out with my girls! Gotta get this all outta my system before I start chemo! Mmmm... Moscato.
One of the things I am looking forward to the most after chemo is getting my butt back into the gym. I miss my sessions at HLF with Mary Ann and Vernis. I miss working up a sweat at Combat and at Pump. I miss dancing my ass off. The physical ability to be active is another one of those things that I will never take for granted again. I miss it a lot, I really do. So for now I will have to settle with walks around my neighbourhood (not to be underestimated, though... I love going for walks) and half-dancing around the apartment to Mayer Hawthorne. And hopefully yoga will start sooner than later, as Cancer Care Manitoba co-sponsors a specialized yoga class for cancer patients undergoing treatment. They also sponsor a pilates class for cancer patients who have completed treatment and I am sooo looking forward to that. All for free. Thank you, cancer. Lol.
Oh, and another contributing factor to my weight gain? I've been trying to get back into baking. I'd like to think that the stuff I make is actually pretty good. And they always say not to trust a skinny chef. :)
So, what else has been going on with me? Well, I think that I have Brain Fog. No, wait.. I DO have brain fog, or Chemo Brain as it is still sometimes called. My mind is shot, it's so frustrating. It seriously just does not work sometimes. I have trouble saying the things that I want to say. My memory, especially short term, will sometimes last only seconds. I have to make lists for everything, but I will sometimes forget to look at my list. At times, I won't even remember the names of people I have known for years.
With that said, I didn't think that having cancer would change me, that other than having a cluster of mutated cells in my body, I would still be me. But I have changed. Physically, I am different. I have a chest that I was not born with and ugly scars that I would not have if not for the cancer. The yo-yo effect on my weight. The bald head that is to come. Mentally, I have changed in many ways. Not just with my memory, but in the way I see and look at things. A lot of clarity. New perspectives. Which in turn has made me a lot more selfish. It's like a, "Fuck you, I have cancer so I'll do what I want," kinda attitude. At the same time, my priorities are where they should be now, which I sadly admit was not always so. I am spending more time with the people I love and care about, my friends and family, who continue to show how much they love and care about me. I've been so busy with family parties and get togethers with my friends. Quality time with the special people in my life. And I love it. Finally, I have definitely changed emotionally. I am so much more sensitive than I was before when it comes to certain things. I used to wonder why some girls would cry at the thought of getting their hair cut, but what did I do last week? I cried, with the realization that I was probably getting my hair cut for the last time before I lose it all. Man. And when it comes to other things, I feel like I have no emotions at all anymore. I find it a lot easier to disconnect my feelings when it comes to dealing with bullshit from other people or coming across situations that I have no control over. I accept it and move on. Not gonna waste my time with wishing things were different, that time is way too precious.
Cancer has changed me, in sooo many good ways but some also in bad. But I've accepted it. Now time to move on.
One of the things I am looking forward to the most after chemo is getting my butt back into the gym. I miss my sessions at HLF with Mary Ann and Vernis. I miss working up a sweat at Combat and at Pump. I miss dancing my ass off. The physical ability to be active is another one of those things that I will never take for granted again. I miss it a lot, I really do. So for now I will have to settle with walks around my neighbourhood (not to be underestimated, though... I love going for walks) and half-dancing around the apartment to Mayer Hawthorne. And hopefully yoga will start sooner than later, as Cancer Care Manitoba co-sponsors a specialized yoga class for cancer patients undergoing treatment. They also sponsor a pilates class for cancer patients who have completed treatment and I am sooo looking forward to that. All for free. Thank you, cancer. Lol.
Oh, and another contributing factor to my weight gain? I've been trying to get back into baking. I'd like to think that the stuff I make is actually pretty good. And they always say not to trust a skinny chef. :)
So, what else has been going on with me? Well, I think that I have Brain Fog. No, wait.. I DO have brain fog, or Chemo Brain as it is still sometimes called. My mind is shot, it's so frustrating. It seriously just does not work sometimes. I have trouble saying the things that I want to say. My memory, especially short term, will sometimes last only seconds. I have to make lists for everything, but I will sometimes forget to look at my list. At times, I won't even remember the names of people I have known for years.
With that said, I didn't think that having cancer would change me, that other than having a cluster of mutated cells in my body, I would still be me. But I have changed. Physically, I am different. I have a chest that I was not born with and ugly scars that I would not have if not for the cancer. The yo-yo effect on my weight. The bald head that is to come. Mentally, I have changed in many ways. Not just with my memory, but in the way I see and look at things. A lot of clarity. New perspectives. Which in turn has made me a lot more selfish. It's like a, "Fuck you, I have cancer so I'll do what I want," kinda attitude. At the same time, my priorities are where they should be now, which I sadly admit was not always so. I am spending more time with the people I love and care about, my friends and family, who continue to show how much they love and care about me. I've been so busy with family parties and get togethers with my friends. Quality time with the special people in my life. And I love it. Finally, I have definitely changed emotionally. I am so much more sensitive than I was before when it comes to certain things. I used to wonder why some girls would cry at the thought of getting their hair cut, but what did I do last week? I cried, with the realization that I was probably getting my hair cut for the last time before I lose it all. Man. And when it comes to other things, I feel like I have no emotions at all anymore. I find it a lot easier to disconnect my feelings when it comes to dealing with bullshit from other people or coming across situations that I have no control over. I accept it and move on. Not gonna waste my time with wishing things were different, that time is way too precious.
Cancer has changed me, in sooo many good ways but some also in bad. But I've accepted it. Now time to move on.
Sunday, April 8, 2012
The Good Life
I got a call last Tuesday from my surgeon with my pathology results from surgery. Lymph node involvement was confirmed to be negative. Such a huge relief to know the cancer hadn't spread, I can't even tell you. Also, the mass was smaller than they originally had thought, being less than 2cm in size. This means that my cancer was in Stage I. Thank gawd. As horrible as a cancer diagnosis is, it is what it is, and I feel blessed to know that mine was at least caught at such an early stage.
On top of that, I have to say that I am the happiest that I have been in a long time. In months, even, from even before my diagnosis. Not to say that I don't have any complaints, because I do, but I am loving life right now. Why? Because each morning I wake up knowing I am one day closer to full recovery. Every day things get a little easier (for now, at least.. until chemo starts.. bah!) and I've accepted that for now, I have a new 'norm.' But it's only for now.
But most of all, I am loving life because I can see so much more clearly now, that there is a reason why life throws these road blocks at us. Not only does it create a challenge which in the end proves to ourselves what exactly we can overcome, but they give us lessons that we will learn so much from. I know that for myself, I have a new appreciation for so many things in my life. There are so many things that I will never take for granted again, from the little things like being able to wash my hair with both hands, to my family and the love and respect that I have for them.
At this particular moment, I feel that life is so great. I get to occupy my time with doing the things I like, and more importantly, with the people who make me happy. It's the good life. ♥
Monday, March 26, 2012
Fucking Cancer.
Everyday I worry about whether I'm healing well or not. Wondering if the pains and aches I'm feeling is normal or not. If the new bruises that suddenly appear or get larger and larger over the weekend is something I should call in about. Why my side has been sore since the surgery. Freaking out about blood clots whenever I feel the slightest bit of pain in my calves, or in my chest when I breathe in. Feeling nauseas at the sight of my own body and trying my best to not faint while I'm in the shower. Wondering who I could ask to take me to my appointments without feeling embarrassed in case they say no. Having my schedule revolve around everyone else's.
Fucking cancer.
Fucking cancer.
Wednesday, March 21, 2012
A week and a day post-op
It has been one week and one day post-op and I am happy to say that I am feeling well overall! A biopsy was done on my lymph nodes in surgery, and I am also happy to report that it came back negative! The surgery was 5 hours long. I spent 4 hours in recovery, as I watched them try to stabilize my blood pressure which had dropped down to almost 60/40. I spent 3 days in hospital and went home on Friday. Since then, my cousin Sheila has been staying with me and I am so grateful to her. She has cooked and cleaned for me, helped me get dressed and even washed my hair for me! Love her! I've had so many visitors since my surgery, both in hospital and at home, as well as many thoughtful gifts, messages through Facebook and my blog, phone calls and texts. I am surrounded by love all around, there is no doubt in my mind that is what has helped me have such a speedy recovery thus far!
I have had to return to the hospital twice over the weekend for pain in the sides of my abdomen along with what I thought was fluid buildup in my sides. I've had the pain since day one after surgery, and I've felt as though it was getting progressively worse. The doctors were puzzled, as they did not even touch that area, but say that I may have bruising from the bolsters that kept me in place while they worked on my side. Let's hope that is all it really is.
The surgery I opted for was a skin sparing mastectomy with immediate reconstruction. With my mass being 3cm x 2cm in size, I was given the option of a lumpectomy, but knowing that there was only a 50/50 chance that the surgeon would get a clean margin I decided that a mastectomy would be the better choice. The type of reconstruction that was done was a latissmus dorsi reconstruction. Here, the plastic surgeon took a portion of my lat dorsi, a muscle in my back, and rotated it to the front to create a pocket for the implant to sit in. The top portion of the implant is tucked under the chest muscle. Fat tissue from my back and skin from under my arm were placed overtop the muscle. I had two drains, one from the breast area and one from the back where the muscle was removed, to collect extra fluid. Those things were a nuisance to have, and luckily I was able to have one removed before I was discharged from the hospital and the other removed just yesterday at my first post-op appointment.
Yesterday's appointment was unexpectedly an emotional one. They finally removed my bandages (which was extremely painful, probably the most physically painful part of the entire experience lol). I have a weak stomach when it comes to stuff like that, and thinking about what I might see was making me light headed and nauseas. But, when I finally felt ready to step in front of the mirror, I was practically sobbing as my nurse prepared me for what I would see. It came out of nowhere. I think that was the moment when I realized that I had literally lost a part of myself. My body is now that of someone who I do not recognize, not mine, and most importantly not by my choice.
The scarring is not as hideous as I had expected it to be, and what I did not expect was all the bruising. It looked as if my entire breast was sponge painted with dark purple paint, apparently from the broken blood vessels during the removal of breast tissue during the mastectomy. I will have a scar that runs from under my arm and up my back towards my shoulder blade, where the muscle was removed. I have blistering on my back from where the bandages sat, my skin was pretty sensitive to the adhesive.
I have lost feeling in my breast, around my side and part of my back, and in the underside of my upper arm. It was the strangest sensation as the nurse cleaned up my breast after removing the bandages, it felt like there were a few inches of padding in between my breast and the saline soaked piece of gauze that she used to clean me up with. The feeling in my upper arm is numb, as if it has permanently fallen asleep. I have trouble moving that arm. I am not supposed to lift my elbow any higher than shoulder height, but I can't even move it halfway. I see improvement in my range of motion each day, though; I am now able to pull my hair back into a ponytail on my own, I can do the dishes and I can get dressed on my own as long as my top is stretchy enough.
I am still trying to get used to moving around. Getting out of bed can be a challenge, and coughing (which I have been doing a lot of since the surgery) causes pain in my chest muscles. Breathing is still sometimes shallow. I went for my first walk outside today, Sheila and I went for a walk down to Osborne Village, hung out at Second Cup and walked back home. It felt awesome to get out and get some fresh air! But, the walk was slow and I found it challenging to speak at the same time, slowing down often to catch my breath.
Thank you to everyone for the 100+ messages that I received, the lovely gifts, phone calls, texts and visits. Thank you to my family who have been there for me every step of the way. Kuya for driving me to the hospital over the weekend. Sis-in-law Sheila for being my personal counselor/therapist and nurse. Joel and Len for the stupid little errands that I needed to be run. Cousin Sheila for helping me and keeping me company once I got home. Mom for your awesome cooking and dad for wanting to just be there. And really, I could go on and on... I'm sorry for everyone who I did not name, I really need to start blogging daily to be able to keep up with my "thank-you's." Mark for driving me to my appointment yesterday. Also to those who regularly check up on me, some of you almost daily: Ger, Mary Ann and Vernis. My boss and co-workers. Ger and Tita Shelly who also visited me daily while in hospital. Yah, I can go on and on..
BUT, I definitely must send a big thank you to Dr. Ethel Macintosh, my surgical oncologist, and Dr. Tom Hayakawa, my plastic surgeon, and their team. Thank you, thank you, thank you... not sure what else to say but "Thank you..."
Counting my blessings. Well, trying to, at least. There are too many to count. ♥
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| The flowers, cards and cookie bouquet I received while in the hospital. |
The surgery I opted for was a skin sparing mastectomy with immediate reconstruction. With my mass being 3cm x 2cm in size, I was given the option of a lumpectomy, but knowing that there was only a 50/50 chance that the surgeon would get a clean margin I decided that a mastectomy would be the better choice. The type of reconstruction that was done was a latissmus dorsi reconstruction. Here, the plastic surgeon took a portion of my lat dorsi, a muscle in my back, and rotated it to the front to create a pocket for the implant to sit in. The top portion of the implant is tucked under the chest muscle. Fat tissue from my back and skin from under my arm were placed overtop the muscle. I had two drains, one from the breast area and one from the back where the muscle was removed, to collect extra fluid. Those things were a nuisance to have, and luckily I was able to have one removed before I was discharged from the hospital and the other removed just yesterday at my first post-op appointment.
Yesterday's appointment was unexpectedly an emotional one. They finally removed my bandages (which was extremely painful, probably the most physically painful part of the entire experience lol). I have a weak stomach when it comes to stuff like that, and thinking about what I might see was making me light headed and nauseas. But, when I finally felt ready to step in front of the mirror, I was practically sobbing as my nurse prepared me for what I would see. It came out of nowhere. I think that was the moment when I realized that I had literally lost a part of myself. My body is now that of someone who I do not recognize, not mine, and most importantly not by my choice.
The scarring is not as hideous as I had expected it to be, and what I did not expect was all the bruising. It looked as if my entire breast was sponge painted with dark purple paint, apparently from the broken blood vessels during the removal of breast tissue during the mastectomy. I will have a scar that runs from under my arm and up my back towards my shoulder blade, where the muscle was removed. I have blistering on my back from where the bandages sat, my skin was pretty sensitive to the adhesive.
I have lost feeling in my breast, around my side and part of my back, and in the underside of my upper arm. It was the strangest sensation as the nurse cleaned up my breast after removing the bandages, it felt like there were a few inches of padding in between my breast and the saline soaked piece of gauze that she used to clean me up with. The feeling in my upper arm is numb, as if it has permanently fallen asleep. I have trouble moving that arm. I am not supposed to lift my elbow any higher than shoulder height, but I can't even move it halfway. I see improvement in my range of motion each day, though; I am now able to pull my hair back into a ponytail on my own, I can do the dishes and I can get dressed on my own as long as my top is stretchy enough.
I am still trying to get used to moving around. Getting out of bed can be a challenge, and coughing (which I have been doing a lot of since the surgery) causes pain in my chest muscles. Breathing is still sometimes shallow. I went for my first walk outside today, Sheila and I went for a walk down to Osborne Village, hung out at Second Cup and walked back home. It felt awesome to get out and get some fresh air! But, the walk was slow and I found it challenging to speak at the same time, slowing down often to catch my breath.
Thank you to everyone for the 100+ messages that I received, the lovely gifts, phone calls, texts and visits. Thank you to my family who have been there for me every step of the way. Kuya for driving me to the hospital over the weekend. Sis-in-law Sheila for being my personal counselor/therapist and nurse. Joel and Len for the stupid little errands that I needed to be run. Cousin Sheila for helping me and keeping me company once I got home. Mom for your awesome cooking and dad for wanting to just be there. And really, I could go on and on... I'm sorry for everyone who I did not name, I really need to start blogging daily to be able to keep up with my "thank-you's." Mark for driving me to my appointment yesterday. Also to those who regularly check up on me, some of you almost daily: Ger, Mary Ann and Vernis. My boss and co-workers. Ger and Tita Shelly who also visited me daily while in hospital. Yah, I can go on and on..
BUT, I definitely must send a big thank you to Dr. Ethel Macintosh, my surgical oncologist, and Dr. Tom Hayakawa, my plastic surgeon, and their team. Thank you, thank you, thank you... not sure what else to say but "Thank you..."
Counting my blessings. Well, trying to, at least. There are too many to count. ♥
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
It's time
I'm exhausted, but I didn't want to go to bed tonight without this one last blog before the big day.
The past few days were spent with so many friends and family. On Thursday, Ger and I went to the Humane Society. I've been thinking about getting a dog. I knew I wanted a little dog, was leaning towards a shih tzu (just like lil Drama and Jax!) but I saw some big, but really cute dogs at the Humane Society. There was a pit bull named Frankie... omgeee. Beautiful dog! There was another that I really liked, his name was Solo and he is a rottweiler mix. And there was a mastiff, I can't remember his name, but he also was a gorgeous dog. I've decided that once I own my own house, I will be adopting a larger dog. But for now, I will be on the search for a little shih tzu, and hopefully have a little one sooner than later.
I spent that evening and the days following catching up with old friends. Hung out with Lisa, Shauna and Alexis that night. Then had lunch with the Westwood crew Friday afternoon, who made me the most amazing cake! Friday evening I spent with Eddie and Mark, who so graciously put together my microwave cart for me while I slept.. lol. The next morning, Eddie took me out to run my errands, and Lori that evening helped me clean out my apartment. Couldn't have done any of it without them. Finally, Cheryl and Mylaida came to see me on Sunday evening. It was so good to see everyone. I've been needing to surround myself with people these days, the mind does crazy things when I'm alone.
Sunday was my dad's birthday. There was a get together with our closest family members at Kum Koon for lunch. Again, family therapy is great therapy. I love my family to pieces, it was a great way to spend the day. It was an emotional time for me, both happy and sad. Grateful to celebrate my dad's 65th year of life and good health. Grateful for all the support I received from the extended family, as it was my first time seeing almost everyone since hearing of my diagnosis. Grateful that we were all together.
I have spent the last 5 days thinking about how crazy it is, how much people have pulled through for me and how willing the people who truly love me are to help me. Having friends from high school and friends from work who keep reminding me that they'll be around to see me and help me out in any way when I get out of the hospital. Sheila, my sister in law, who has listened to me cry over and over again over the past few weeks... and who so selflessly stayed up until 7am Sunday morning to do my laundry for me. Love, love, LOVE you, Sheila. And Jady, who drove me to my appointment today and held my hand while I was injected with radioactive material (for my sentinel node biopsy tomorrow, which will be done in surgery to see if my cancer had spread). And the lovely phone call from Nicole and Karen in Vancouver on Saturday night. Really, so much support from the people who care about me, and even from some who I least expected it. I can go on and on, I wish I could go on naming everyone but there has just been so much.
When I wake up, I will be getting ready to go to the hospital for my surgery. Thank you for all the thoughts, prayers and positive vibes. I'm scared, but trying to remember that this is it... they're physically removing the cancer from my body.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow I start my path to recovery.
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| Drama and Jax |
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| Westwood Dental (missing: Lily, Melissa, Brooke) |
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Sunday was my dad's birthday. There was a get together with our closest family members at Kum Koon for lunch. Again, family therapy is great therapy. I love my family to pieces, it was a great way to spend the day. It was an emotional time for me, both happy and sad. Grateful to celebrate my dad's 65th year of life and good health. Grateful for all the support I received from the extended family, as it was my first time seeing almost everyone since hearing of my diagnosis. Grateful that we were all together.
I have spent the last 5 days thinking about how crazy it is, how much people have pulled through for me and how willing the people who truly love me are to help me. Having friends from high school and friends from work who keep reminding me that they'll be around to see me and help me out in any way when I get out of the hospital. Sheila, my sister in law, who has listened to me cry over and over again over the past few weeks... and who so selflessly stayed up until 7am Sunday morning to do my laundry for me. Love, love, LOVE you, Sheila. And Jady, who drove me to my appointment today and held my hand while I was injected with radioactive material (for my sentinel node biopsy tomorrow, which will be done in surgery to see if my cancer had spread). And the lovely phone call from Nicole and Karen in Vancouver on Saturday night. Really, so much support from the people who care about me, and even from some who I least expected it. I can go on and on, I wish I could go on naming everyone but there has just been so much.
When I wake up, I will be getting ready to go to the hospital for my surgery. Thank you for all the thoughts, prayers and positive vibes. I'm scared, but trying to remember that this is it... they're physically removing the cancer from my body.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow I start my path to recovery.
Monday, March 12, 2012
Happy Birthday, Dad!
Happy 65th birthday to my daddy. I was reminded today how willing he is to do ANYTHING for me. I love you, dad.
♥♥♥
♥♥♥
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